I dont want to tell you who I am, im allready dead myself, but its taken me some years to realize it.
Im Dead. Im dead and sailing a mercury-sea, looking for you, even though I know you are dead, and have been so for a long time. Sometimes I meet other boats, full of the living, having fun sending me messages from the other side.
Im dead, and go to work, and die some more there. Im deader and deader each day, since I let you kill me ive been dead, deader, day by day. When it happened, we didnt just pretend we were no longer around. You insisted on, that we had never existed. Like nothing of what once was had ever been. Like the seconds had been ripped out of all the clocks and only the springs and wheels were left.
Once I had a song about you. A long song. Only I could sing it, but i dont understand it anymore, the words are gone, cant even whistle the tune, just a few lines are still basching around inside me, hitting them selves on my ribs, bending in the dust...it was a secret song, a large one, and once it rose and carried us forther, and the houses and everything else with giant steps.
Im writing this, as I have written so much else, dieing in front of me until I realized,that even my words were gone now, reduced to time on paper. And now another boat is drifting by, full of living for whom the sea is blue, blue, and deep, and they are screaming towards me, that they have seen you, that you still exist, and I dont believe them, but do not tell them otherwise. Because I know, that if you had been alive you would have found me, would have sought me out, would have cried with me.
So its someone else im writing, someone else, and I wont sign this. Because im no longer here, only springs and wheels still shiver from what was once me, and even this is stopping. Now.